The most difficult thing we treat in counseling is neglect. It is at the root of everything we work with in counseling. Neglect being defined as “the absence of something that was supposed to be there” as opposed to abuse, which is “the presence of something that was not supposed to be there”. Neglect leaves a hole, or  “a hole in the hole”. Each of us has a soul hole. That God given hole in the middle of us that is designed to be filled with God’s love. It fills from the bottom up. The first or foundational layer is our parent’s love. Without that foundation something is missing. Our parent’s love is the first idea we have of what God’s love is. If either or both parents are missing due to neglect there is a hole in the hole. That hole must be filled. Parents do not always intentionally mean to leave a hole. It could be due to intentional or unintended physical neglect but it is usually emotional neglect and usually by the father or paternal neglect.

At the root of all addictions is neglect, usually paternal neglect. We hunger to be fulfilled. God intended the soul hole to be filled with His love. If it is not, through our parents neglecting their role either intentionally or unintentionally, it leaves a hole. We find ways to fill the hole; counterfeits for God’s love. Addictions are counterfeit  ways we look for fulfillment to fill the hole that neglect leaves. The hole must be filled. It was designed to be filled with God’s love but if we don’t have God’s love or our parent’s love we find other ways to find fulfillment. At the root of addiction is neglect. Neglect is at the root of everything we work with in counseling.

God is the God of circumstances and character; however, although He is in control of both we want Him to change our circumstances and instead He uses our circumstances to change us.

 A brief philosophy of counseling

 

When counseling I believe it is important to make a distinction between sin issues and satisfaction concerns. Sin issues can be defined as anything that separates us from God and man. More precisely in marital counseling I define sin issues as falling under one of five categories: adultery, abuse, addiction, abandonment, or apathy. If there are sin issues in a relationship they must be resolved first before turning to the issues of satisfaction or dissatisfaction.

 

The nice thing about sin is there is a clear remedy. We can confess our sins, seek repentance, seek forgiveness, and seek to make restoration. Sin has to do with moral issues or beliefs of right and wrong. Therefore, there are clear-cut distinctions that can be made in right and wrong behavior based upon our belief of what constitutes sin and if we accept the Bible as authority on sin, which I believe it is, then we can look to those areas that clearly identify either sins of omission or sins of commission which we can then seek forgiveness for in order to restore our relationship with God and our fellow man.

 

However, if we are not dealing with sin we are dealing with areas of satisfaction. By definition then these are not sin issues but issues that cause dissatisfaction or distress in the relationships that we have. Dissatisfaction or satisfaction is therefore not based upon what I am doing right or wrong but rather based upon feelings of preferred behavior. Either I or the person that I am in the relationship with has preferences as to how I should behave, but that behavior while preferred is not right or wrong since that would be by definition sinful behavior.

 

The reason that this becomes an important distinction to make is that relationships broken by sin must be restored by repentance and forgiveness. Well that can be an exceptionally difficult and painful process the burden is on each individual to both seek and grant forgiveness for immoral behavior which cannot be excused or negotiated. While the behavior that is dissatisfying since it is not morally wrong or sinful becomes a matter of preference or style that results in behavior that one or both individuals likes or prefers and therefore can't be negotiated. Sin is not negotiable but satisfaction is.

 

Satisfaction then becomes by definition any behavior that is engaged in which the other person or myself doesn't like but is not sinful. Satisfaction therefore is not based upon moral beliefs but upon preferences or experiential believes on how I prefer or expect people to behave including myself in different given situations. The formula for satisfaction then becomes satisfaction is equal to reality divided by expectations. Satisfaction then is a feeling that I or another individual has about my or their behavior based upon how I believe or how they believe based on their experience another person or themselves should behave.

 

Simply put the formulas look like this: satisfaction= reality/expectation or feelings = behavior/beliefs. Satisfaction then becomes negotiable once we understand what the desired behavior is as opposed to the current behavior observed. Since we are no longer dealing with sin we are dealing with amoral rather than moral or immoral issues and therefore everything becomes negotiable based upon our feelings of preferred behavior. In other words it's not wrong if I'm late to a meeting and I am not bad or sinful in my tardiness unless I am deliberately defying authority in which case perhaps I am engaged in sinful behavior, but rather by behavior by definition does not meet the expectations of the individuals with whom I'm meeting and therefore they are dissatisfied with they express as a feeling such as irritation, anger or frustration.

 

They're formula would look something like this: my anger (satisfaction/feeling) = tardiness (reality/behavior)/timeliness (expectation/beliefs based on experience) all which are negotiable since they are not sinful.

 

This then leads nicely into the next formula which is behavior= ability x motivation which asked the question what is the specific desired behavior that I would expect, prefer, or feel satisfied with and does the individual have the ability, do they actually know what is expected and how to do it, and do they have the motivation or willingness to do it.

 

With this definition it is important to pull behavior out of the above formula for satisfaction and clearly define what is the expected behavior, acknowledging that it is not sinful since it doesn't fall in the sin category, and therefore can be negotiated if the behavior can be clearly and specifically defined so that someone could observe and measure it.

 When Layoffs and Fear Enter the Workplace

 When I counsel I find two simple formulas especially helpful. The first one is satisfaction = to reality/expectations, which can be changed to feelings = behavior/beliefs. In this formula the individual's feelings or level of satisfaction is determined by how their reality meets with their expectations. If I expect something to happen, expect someone to behave or act a certain way, or expect a particular outcome in my life and that is what is happening I feel good or satisfied. If my reality doesn't meet my expectations I feel bad or sad or disappointed or dissatisfied. When my spouse does what I want her to do or acts or behaves in the particular manner I expect her to do I am happy or satisfied. When she doesn't I'm disappointed or dissatisfied. 

The other formula is a component of the first. It is behavior or performance = ability x motivation. My behavior or my performance is a function of my ability to do something multiplied by my motivation to do something. Sometimes I have the ability but I'm not motivated. Sometimes I may be motivated but not have the ability. 

When we put these two formulas together we get some very interesting results. First, if I examine my feelings and why I'm satisfied or dissatisfied I find areas in my life where I feel happy and areas where I'm not so happy. When I examine my relationships with others, for example, I find places where I'm satisfied and where I'm not satisfied. If I examine a particularly key or significant relationship I may find some areas where I am not satisfied with how the other person is acting or behaving. Therefore, my satisfaction = their behavior/my expectations. When they don't meet my expectations of them I'm unhappy, disappointed, or dissatisfied with them or more specifically with their behavior. When I examine their behavior I need to ask if they are not meeting my expectations because they cannot or will not. Are they unable to perform the behavior I desire or unwilling to do so? Human nature being what it is I usually vent my frustration with the belief that they are unwilling when in fact that may not be the case at all. 

What if they are unable? Do they know what I desire? Do they know that I'm dissatisfied? Have I clearly communicated my dissatisfaction in a clear way that describes what I desire in their behavior or am I just angry and upset? What if I could step back and taking time to think examine their behavior, my beliefs or expectations and determine first what am I upset about? Is my expectation realistic? Could they do it if they had to and do they truly know what I desire? If they could and they are not is there some other logically reason they are not motivated to do what I want? Does it perhaps require more time, money, or energy then they have to give right now or some other change in their behavior that they are unwilling to change or not in agreement with me that the change is necessary and therefore we may need to spend some time communicating, which will involve listening, understanding, accepting and coming to some type of agreement. 

If I take the time to work through the formulas myself or with my folks in counseling all sorts of good things happen including increasing understanding and awareness of my expectations, my behavior, and my beliefs, which are the only things in my control. Therefore, if I change my behavior, my beliefs, or my expectations, I can influence and increase my level of satisfaction or happiness by changing my feelings. Interesting. 

Helping Hearts Heal, 
Dr. Dan L. Boen

 We are now using Twitter on our web site www.cccoi.org. Daily I review pertinent articles from the field of psychology and Christianity. Those that I believe have merit for our site or our readers I select and post on Twitter. These articles show up as posts in the Twitter box found on the lower right hand column of our home page. When you log into our home page at www.cccoi.org you can read any of these articles that interest you and that you find relevant to either your life or work.

 

Some of the articles are especially relevant and timely for the work we do with people in counseling. You will see across the top of our web site several areas. Each area from Welcome, Personal, Relational, Parental, Communal, and Spiritual contain sections, which can be accessed from a drop down menu. Each section contains timely articles, links to other web sites, information, and sometimes videos that we have found especially helpful to people in counseling or seeking information regarding mental health or counseling from either a secular or Christian perspective.

 

We have tried to post a variety of sources and information that is screened for content, relevancy, helpfulness and appropriateness to the section assigned. For example, if you are a couple needing help with communication or working with a couple needing help with communication you can go to the Relational Area and under the section marked Communication find a number of sources, articles, and videos designed to help couples improve their communication. If you are an individual dealing with depression or working with someone who is or thinks they might be depressed you can go to the Personal Area and under the section marked Depression find a number of interesting and helpful articles and resources for help with depression. If you are looking for a way to relax and unwind or refocus you might look under the Meditation section under the Spiritual Area or read the Daily Scripture provided to us by Daily Scripture.

 

We have tried to make the web site easy to use but as comprehensive as we can in dealing with the problems of every day life to severe mental disorders and crises while identifying help from many sources and resources. So if you want to take our site for a test drive whether to just follow the Twitter postings for a while or to search for something more specific in your life or work feel free to do so. After all it is free and accessible and available. If you find that there is something you are looking for that you think would be helpful to you and others and you cannot find it on our site let me know and we will look for it and try to incorporate it into the site. You can email me at danboen@aol.com.

 

 

Thanks for looking and enjoy!

 

Helping Hearts Heal,

Dr. Dan L. Boen

 When do you rest? Fatigue in Modern Society is a book written by Paul Tournier several years ago. Dr.Tounier was a Swiss physician who practiced primarily as a psychotherapist. His small little book is interesting foreshadowing as it did modern society's tendency to go faster and faster with less and less rest. Today the average vacation in the United States is down to only eight days, the least in the industrialized countries of the world. And resting on those days is often interrupted with cellphones and emails in an attempt to make ourselves available and iindispensable. Jesus, although a tireless worker, was one of the best resters. He often took himself away from the maddening and demanding crowds to be alone with his Father and to rest and restore his spirit. I often think it is interesting and unusual to think of Jesus as God needing to get away to be with God. Almost sounds schizophrenic when you think about it until your realize he was also fully man as well as fully God and therefore subject to all the mental and physical fatigue of his daily life. Hebrews the fourth chapter talks about entering into God's rest. Sounds good to me. Six days God worked and then He rested. When do you rest?

 Helping Hearts Heal,
 Dr. Dan L. Boen

 When Peter got out of the boat I wonder if he had any idea what he was really doing when he was walking towards Jesus. The very sight of someone walking on the water had to blow his mind. We know he was impulsive, i.e. used the sword to cut off the guys ear when they came for Jesus, told Jesus he was the Son of God and later he shouldn't go to die. Do you think maybe he got in over his head literally and figuratively before he knew what he was doing? As long as he fixed his eyes on Jesus he was one of only two people we know of that ever walked on water. When he took his eyes off he went under. Even though he went down Jesus didn't let him drown. When we take our eyes off Jesus we too will go down under the cares of life and the pressures and stress of just trying to make it day by day, but if we look up He is there and He cares. And even if we don't have the strength to look up He won't let us drown. 

 When you wake up and start your day you may begin with varied emotions. You may be experiencing dread if you believe things are bad in your world or fear if you don't know what to do and things are out of your control. However, God has a different approach. His plan is to prosper and protect you. Things aren't always what they seem. The accident that causes you to miss your appointment and "seems" to mess up your day may be a divine appointment. The family tragedy that comes out of the blue and send your world spinning out of control may be God's providence for a better life. The illness that causes you pain and discomfort or the loss of a job or even disability may be God's redirecting your life. 

In the midst of the tragedy it is hard to know the outcome, but necessary to trust the author and finisher of our faith. 

 Over the past couple of weeks I have been having fun acquainting myself with Twitter and Facebook. Facebook has been around for awhile but I have not paid much attention to it other than to try to keep up with one of my daughters prodically. On the other hand although Twitter has been out for a couple three or four years I had little to no knowledge of it. So it was with fear and trepidation I ventured into the world of social networking especially trying to look at and understand Twitter and what all the hoopla was about. 

Now for some time I have been developing a website for the sole purpose of helping my patient/clients with timely information available to them on the web and with questionnaires that would enhance and expedite our counseling experience together; however, finding relevant information in the world of cyberspace had not been my forte'. Initially I was overwhelmed with the technology and how much information was out there and available to any one who wanted to find it. And then I became gradually aware that much of the information was repetitive and being reproduced over and over again in different formats and different forums. Gradually I'm becoming familiar with the medium and have reached a few tentative conclusions. 

Yes, there is a lot of information. Much of the information is being reproduced and re-packaged each day in different formats by different people. There are probably 10-15 relevant studies or pieces of information for me and my practice being produced around the world on any given day. Finding this information is becoming increasingly easier with the help of all the fellow social networkers many of whom have access to sources that would not normally be available to me unless I paid or subscribed to several journals or newsletters and then would not be as immediately available due to publishing and delivery times.

However, there is a lot of information that is more opinion than knowledge and once repeated over and over begins to take the form of gospel even if it is not. In addition, the amount of real wisdom or knowledge from experience is even less present. This is not a criticism just a recognition of the value of social networking and the realization of its limitations. Keeping it in perspective Twitter, Facebook and the other social sites are invaluable. The social exchange on the web is enlightening and engaging. The amount of real world knowledge is there but limited and the amount of wisdom is even less so. However, keeping everything in perspective the social networking is a great deal of fun and a real hoot!

Helping Hearts Heal, 
Dr. Dan L. Boen